cant believe 3 months just flew by and tomorrow i've got to book in for work =/
really feels as though i am going to re-enlist.
ennui but yet a little excited how ironic =S

ok so its a new year but somehow the notion that its a new year have not really settled in yet. i guess its because nothing much have changed besides that i have to constantly eat my own words when i refer this year as next year be it in writing or in speech. So I m still on mc and tomorrow determines whether i go back to work next week or continue to "enjoy life". On one hand i want to go back to camp but knowing the slacker in me i will definitely regret going back to camp.

Life in the ns is mundane and draggy even when you are on mc.
Right now, life seems so meaningless the only thing keeping me from ending it is the lack of courage.

Are dreams meant for chasing or just purely exist for psychological stimulation as how our brain develops it?

Then again i think what ultimately determines if they are meant to be chased, falls on sadly quite a few factors. First you have the issue of finances. "Vitamin M" where more often than not, even if we choose not to acknowledge it, is cruelly a very important factor. For those born into a wealthy or at least well-to-do-enough family, dreams are there for you to be chased, thats if at a young age, your parents are willing to bear with the money and fortunately in most cases they do. But for me, coming from an average or if not less-well-to-do family, with typical not-as-well-educated Singapore parents, dream chasing such as in the area of performance arts, music and expression is nothing more than an idea that is perhaps thrown out of the window even before the slightest mention. Its not like i have not tried or anything but on the very first mention and the slightest hint of interest,I am being scowled at often with statements like "dont waste money!" , "dont be silly!". And this is how the practical,logical side of me is mostly formed.

Growing up like this, at the age where I am now at, I find myself stuck in the dilemma of chasing my dream or to be practical and to get real. I know i am not good enough but I think I can and I see myself there one day,standing in front of everyone in my element,successful and happy with my life, but than again is it just pure ignorance and blissful thinking on my part. i really am clueless. And who is to tell me that I am or not? With the measly amount I get from the government, again i am thrown into the dilemma of saving up or to chase my dreams behind my parents back. The latter i tried and when they found out things turned nasty, so right now i am still the very good son that saves most of his monthly allowance for future use.

So that leaves me only with signing myself up for a platform where I can live my dream. Have I tried? Of course I did and obviously i failed if not i will not be here typing away complaining about life. But I believe i failed not because I lack what it takes but because I was not prepared. I believe right now I am alot more prepared than I was then, but I am still not prepared enough, for if i would try again I would be the best I can and i am certain i would do well. This brings me back to why i lack preparation, and right now i believe any more preparation to prep me to that level cant be achieved without the professionals. And that leads me back to the problem of not having the spare cash and support from my family.

As much as I know I would probably end up wasting the 1 year and 5 months before the next stage of my life, I really do not want to. Well for one thing, at least I took a huge step to address the problem that bugged me for 19 years and working hard to meet my goals for that should suffice for now though i believe i can certainly multi-dream. And all I can hope is maybe somewhere along my lucky star will appear and my life will change and I will be soon working towards my dream again. unrealistic i know.




sorry if anyone actually bothers reading and finally realize that this is all blabber and unconstructed thoughts that are floating around, which i find no motivation to write it down nicely.

this is the start of something new.

time is running out.
change is inevitable.
and uncertainty awaits me.

life has been so mundane except for the occasional events on weekends.
It is to the extent that nothing is even worth mentioning or updating.
brain-rotting in progress has reached a level that i hardly think or reflect on stuffs.
just waiting for time to pass...

possibly the very last time i get to travel till 2 years later.
when i get back, i need to get ready to serve the nation.
typing away on level 36 of the pinnacle, tsim sha tsui, hongkong
where the view is nothing short of awesome.
tmr i m going to wake up to an authentic dimsum breakfast! =)
in short life's good!